What did I do to deserve this? Is God punishing me? Maybe this is all my fault. The mind can replay a looping slideshow of all the possible reasons for why you deserve your anguish. Because, truth be told, finding someone to blame offers some solace; even if the finger is pointed at you. Unfortunately, feelings of guilt can be a terrible plague for those who have suffered a life-changing injury. Thankfully, there is hope for those wrestling with the question of “What did I do to deserve this?”

Discerning God’s Judgment

If you feel like what you’re going through is God’s punishment…you’re not alone. Many people’s thoughts go here when trying to figure out the “why?” There are a few things we can examine to determine if there is any validity to this. And from what I’ve seen over many years of counseling people, it’s not likely your fault.

God Gives Warning

When we see God bring judgment in the bible, He first gives warning. Countless passages in the Bible (namely in the Old Testament) share how God tells people to change their ways. He warns them that if they do not, they will suffer a consequence. God doesn’t usually jump straight to discipline. He desires to bring about a changed behavior or heart. Because of this, He mercifully gives us warning so we can take right action. 

Did God warn you about something you were doing or not doing? Did some verses in the bible speak to you about sin? Did God send someone to you to address your behavior or choices? Remember Noah and the flood! For years, Noah preached to the wicked people, warning them of the coming judgment (2 Peter 2:5). If you haven’t gotten a warning from God, then don’t plague yourself with the question of “What did I do to deserve this?”

The Holy Spirit Convicts

Another way that God operates with His people is through direct conviction. John 16:8 says this about the Holy Spirt, “And when He has come, He will convict the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment…” If you are a born-again Christian, then God dwells in you so that you can know right and wrong. This is especially useful in all the little moral nuances of daily life.

Did the Holy Spirit convict you about any habitual sin? And yes, you would KNOW that God is convicting you. When God brings the conviction spotlight, the feeling is inescapable. It’s like a feeling of guilt and a knowledge of what you should do differently. If this happens to you, don’t ignore it. And, if you sincerely respond to any convictions He gives, then you shouldn’t wrestle with the question, “What did I do to deserve this?”

Bad Things Happen to Good People

There were some of Jesus’ disciples who saw a blind man and they asked Him whose sin caused the blindness. Jesus responds with, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned…but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (John 9:1-3). The bottom line, terrible things happen to even the best of people. Don’t assume that your pain and suffering is a judgment from God. 

We have an amazingly awesome and powerful God who is completely competent and able to let you know if and why He is disciplining you. Sometimes it’s just this broken world we live in! Remember Job? That was a guy who was considered righteous. However, he had so many terrible things happen to him and his family. If bad things happen to even good people, then you shouldn’t beat yourself up like you did something to cause your present situation.

God Wants to Work in Your Pain

God desires us to seek Him. Here are some questions for you: Where is your heart for God now? Are you wanting Him to meet you where you are? Are you wanting to wholeheartedly follow Him and press on? Are you beaten down and agonizing that there is something you’ve done and you deserve punishment? Don’t let yourself be robbed! You have an enemy who wants you to feel depressed and wallow in self-pity and misery. Fight it!

Pray to God right now and say, “Lord, my life is yours. I want this to be just the beginning of something truly great. I’m letting go of the past and will press on with you as I walk in righteousness with You as my guide!” Ok, so it doesn’t have to be that exact prayer, but I think you get the point. God is good and wants to work in your pain to bring about something amazing in you and through you. Look up from the darkness around you and you will see Him accomplish His plan. There is hope!

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Pain, grief, and heartache. These are just a few of the things we wrestle with when we suffer something cataclysmic. Many times, the mental and emotional battle is the worst part! Feelings of defeat, emptiness, and hopelessness can easily creep in and lead to depression. So where is the hope? Where does it come from?

And how can you find hope in the hurt when you’re basically in shock? Here are 3 things that have helped me, and many others, find hope in the hurt.

#1: God is Not Done with You

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”

• Ephesians 2:10

You do realize that you’re still alive, yes? I mean, here you are reading this and maybe wrestling with how to find hope in your hurt. Although your life may be forever changed, you still have life! Do you know that there are some people who walk around day by day without REALLY living? They float around aimlessly, taking for granted so many things or are completely unaware of what really matters in life. Here’s the thing: God isn’t done with you yet! And, if God isn’t done with you, then there’s more to come.

By the way, don’t forget that He works out all things for good. I know Romans 8:28 isn’t necessarily comforting on the surface, but it really IS a wonderful promise from the Big Man Upstairs. While I don’t know exactly what that looks like for you in this situation, I do know that God is good. He is an expert at bringing good out of the bad. Knowing in your gut that God is not done with you can certainly start bringing hope into your life for what is to come.

#2: Count your blessings

“I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.”

• Helen Keller

Do you know how hard it is to stay down on life when you have a grateful heart? It’s darn near impossible! Seriously, try it! The next time you feel the cold grip of hopelessness (maybe it’s right now) start finding things to be thankful for. Anything that comes to mind…let it rip! Maybe it’s a home to live in, food in your belly, friends, family, a pet, your mind, clean clothes, salvation…just keep going. 10-20 minutes of this and your perspective will start to shift. Do this regularly and it’ll become a habit; a good one.

Struggling to find things to be thankful for? Look around and start picking out what you see. Say, “Thanks God for ____.” It seems silly, but it works.  No, this doesn’t change the reality of your battle. However, it DOES help you to have perspective. I started practicing this years ago and have found positive change in my mind and heart. Maybe that’s why Ephesians 5:20 says we should “…always give thanks to God for everything.” Counting your blessings will help you to cultivate a mature, grateful and hopeful heart.

#3: Move forward

“Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.”

• John 12:26

Without a doubt, the more you look at what you don’t have (or the negative things in your life), the further you will travel down the long, hard road of hopelessness and despair. One of the most powerful ways to combat this is to be others minded. When you focus on others, you can’t be focused on yourself. And, you often will find the help you wanted all along while you are helping others.

Think about your family and friends. Does anyone need prayer, someone to listen to them, guidance, support, etc? How about striving to be a better husband/wife, father/mother, son/daughter, or friend? What about serving others in church? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that there are needs within your church that aren’t being met. Just ask your pastor or leader how you can help. Once you start moving forward, hope follows.

Your Living Hope in the hurt

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

• 1 Peter 1:3-7

Some of the most hope-filled and joyous people that I’ve met are those who have gone through great adversity. Peter referenced “various trials” and yours will either make you bitter or better. Striving towards hope will help you acquire the latter. May you find yourself transformed as you: accept that God is not done with you, start counting your blessings, and begin looking for ways to move forward.Some of the most hope-filled and joyous people that I’ve met are those who have gone through great adversity.

Peter referenced “various trials” and yours will either make you bitter or better. Striving towards hope will help you acquire the latter. May you find yourself transformed as you: accept that God is not done with you, start counting your blessings, and begin looking for ways to move forward.

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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In some way or another, you’ve most likely come across these 5 stages of grief from the studies of the late psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. These have been widely accepted and discussed for decades and have evolved a bit over the years. But, from a Christian point of view, what is the truth about the 5 stages of grief? Are they biblical? And how should a Christian go through their grief?

Emotional Hurdles

The emotions of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are, of course, very real. And if you’re reading this, there is no doubt you’ve experienced elements of each of these in your times of grief. Many people in the bible also experienced these kinds of emotions: Pharaoh denied God’s sovereignty as judge of his nation, Job was moved to anger in his suffering, Abraham bartered with God over Sodom and Gomorrah’s destruction, Jeremiah struggled with depression over the state of his people, and David came to a place of acceptance at the death of his baby with Bathsheba. Emotions are often powerful hurdles that must be addressed to overcome grief and experience true hope and healing. If this is you today…you’re not alone. But what is the path to healing?

The Path to Healing from grief

We all want to be able to recover from hardship and suffering: emotionally, relationally, physically, or all-of-the-above. While the 5 stages of grief are not meant to be linear stages, each of the stages aren’t necessarily a prerequisite to healing. Sure, if you’re harboring anger, for example, you won’t be able to come to a place of peace. However, the good news is that you may not have battle with each of the 5 stages on your path to healing. God desires for you to come out of your grief (Psalm 147:3). And yes, there IS a path out of grief; a path to healing. For some it is quick. Direct. Radical. For others, their path is a winding one with switchbacks and setbacks. No matter where you are in coping with your grief…get on the path to healing.

Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on His law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
- Psalm 1:1-3

What will be the length of your grief season? What will be the fruit of it? As you go through this season of grief, stay planted.

Grief and God: A Better Way

The truth about the 5 stages of grief, while not being overtly biblical, is there may be some merit to them. But more importantly, there is a way to bypass these natural reactions to suffering. You can find yourself moving through your season of grief like a whirlwind and come to a place of peace!

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit.
- Psalm 34:18

God wants to meet you in your grief. We have a loving Father who gave us His Son Jesus who continuously showed compassion for the hurting during His time on earth. God the Father also sent us the Holy Spirit to be our Comforter (John 14:26). Yes, God will grieve with you, God will work in your grief, God will bring you out of the grief…in due season. We live in a world that says hard things are to be passed over as quickly as possible or avoided completely. However, grief can also be a blessing as it can bring wisdom (Ecclesiastes 7:4). God has a better way.

Your Eternal Hope

Thankfully, as Christians we do not have to grieve like others in this world. Our faith in Jesus Christ can give us a hope like no other. We have been born again into a living hope (1 Peter 1:3-9) and our trials are nothing in comparison to what lays ahead for us in heaven.

What we are suffering now is nothing compared with our future glory
- Romans 8:18

Above all else, meditate on these biblical truths and verses. While you may be in a season of grief, cling to your eternal hope. Let God meet you in your place of suffering, bring you supernatural comfort, and bless you. You just may receive things you never could have gained otherwise. No matter if you’re in one of the “5 stages of grief” or in a season of grief, know that God loves you and will be with you and bring you to a place of rest and peace.

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Feeling like a burden; Givers vs Takers

There are generally two types of people in this world: givers and takers.

Takers are lazy, unmotivated, and uninspiring people who often feel entitled to handouts. They thrive on special attention and emotional support from others. Takers will consistently leave you feeling emotionally , relationally, and even mentally drained…a burden to others.

“Wait for a second! Sometimes I’m in a place where I feel broken and in need.”

Everyone has seasons in their lives when they may receive more than they give. This is normal and not what I’m referring to.

Givers, on the other hand, are generally selfless, thoughtful, and nurturing people who genuinely care for the needs of others. Givers leave people feeling refreshed, encouraged, and strengthened.

So, which are you? A “giver” or a “taker”? Sure, like everyone else, you may fluctuate a bit, but how are you CHARACTERIZED? Follow my logic here: if you’re generally characterized as being a giver…then you’re NOT a taker. And if you’re not a taker, then…

…you are not a burden.

“Yeah, but I feel like a burden to my family and just society as a whole.”

I get that, but feelings can be deceptive. The good news is that we can learn and grow to understand God’s design for our lives with our family, friends, and society. This understanding is the first step to overcome feeling like a burden.

God’s Design:

“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him-a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

“Hey, that’s a verse for weddings!”

Well, yeah, this verse is often used to describe how a marriage should work, but it’s meant to be used in a more general sense for relationships. In these verses, God is saying that there is value in giving and receiving help and support. Work, struggles, needs, victories…these are all areas where we should be there for one another.

This is called being a good brother, sister, friend, etc. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of this in any given situation…we are designed to be there for one another. It’s biblical. Consider this:

“…God has put the body [church] together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” -1 Corinthians 12:24-26

Again, God’s design is for us to minister to one another, to lean on each other in our times of need, and to help others in theirs. Let that sink in for a second…this is His design! If this is God’s design, then by nature it can’t be a burden! Think of all the times that giving AND RECEIVING is emphasized throughout scripture: widows and orphans, poor and needy, sick and infirm, etc (see Luke 5:17-26 and James 1:27).

Based on God’s design: You are not a burden

Jesus’ Example:

Jesus, God in physical form on this earth, cared for those around Him. He was surrounded by people with needs: physical, emotional, relational and spiritual. What did he do? He unconditionally cared for them with no mention of a time when He thought or felt someone was a burden.

Jesus ALWAYS had people with needs around Him: a bible study was interrupted by a paralyzed man being brought down through a roof, His traveling was interrupted by a woman who had constant bleeding, thousands of people around him needed food (twice)…Jesus was constantly being pulled in different directions and pushed to being overwhelmed with “ministry.”

Jesus didn’t complain. He didn’t berate them. He didn’t judge them. He didn’t see them as a burden.

If Jesus didn’t see them as a burden, He doesn’t see YOU as a burden. And if Jesus doesn’t see you as a burden, then…

Based on Jesus’ example: You are not a burden

By the way, many of the people Jesus poured into during their time of need became some of the BIGGEST givers. I would even say it is BECAUSE they were in a place of need that they could receive such amazing things…and to then, in turn, give to others.

Moving forward:

Know your identity: If you know who you are in Christ, then you know you’re not a burden. Walk-in this knowledge daily.

Know your enemy: Satan will lie to you and tell you that you are a burden (1 Peter 4:8 and John 8:44). Learn to recognize his lies.

Know your weapons: Be sure to pray for the right thoughts, emotions, and actions when it comes to being a burden. You’re in a battle so be sure to use your weapons.

Remember…you are not a burden! You are not defined by what you can’t do.  Your identity is in Christ! You have lots to give and in ways that only YOU can fulfill it. God has work for you to accomplish! You’re a giver, not a taker! As you freely receive from God…freely give!

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